How to talk to a child according to the Montessori method?
Communication is the foundation of the relationship between parent and child. How we address the little ones has a huge impact on their emotional development, self-esteem, well-being and social skills. Words can heal or hurt, give wings or clip them. The Montessori approach, which places great emphasis on respect and attentiveness, teaches us how to talk to a child in such a way as to foster his or her sense of self-worth and autonomy. In this article, we'll look at communication in line with the Montessori spirit, which can transform the quality of everyday conversations in the family.
Why does the way you talk to your child matter?
The words we speak to children, and the nonverbal messages that accompany this, shape children's self-image and perception of the world. Communication based on respect and openness:
- It builds a child's healthy self-esteem and supports his emotional development.
- It teaches the child that his thoughts, emotions and needs are important and heard.
- It shapes social skills that will be crucial in adult life.
In a Montessori preschool, we do not use a commanding tone, orders, blackmail „something for something”, we do not impose our opinion or negate the child's feelings. Instead, we try to create a space for dialogue, where the child can freely express his thoughts and needs, and over time also learns to respect the boundaries of others.
How to talk to your child in the spirit of Montessori
- Respect for the child - treating the child as an equal, although weaker and in need of care interlocutor, without belittling his experiences and needs.
- Attentive listening - We not only hear, but actually listen to what the child wants to communicate to us. We pay attention to the content of the message, less to the form. Even if a child shouts or says unpleasant things in emotion, we focus on the gist of what he wants to express. An approach that tells the child to ‚calm down first and speak up later’ seems reasonable, but carries huge risks. If you don't listen to your child now, when it's really difficult, you may never hear that message again, because your child won't be able to get back to you with it. Now and when he is 15 years old.
- Clear and calm communication - Avoiding raising your voice, expressing yourself in a way that the child can understand, factual. An adult has more opportunities to regulate his emotions and try to be a model of factual, cordial, empathetic communication.
- Giving the child time to respond - permission to formulate thoughts and reflections independently, using paraphrases to make sure we understand the child well.
How to ask questions to encourage a child to talk?
It's not rhetorical tricks that encourage a child to talk to an adult, but a warm relationship between the two of you based on trust, honesty and love. This is a foundation that you won't build in a day or replace with ‚parenting skills’ training. It's something you create from the beginning of your history together, but at the same time you always have a chance to reflect and improve your relationship.
If specific advice helps you and you like to work on your expression, you can try to implement such tips into your daily life:
- Instead of closed-ended questions, use open-ended questions, „Will you tell us how you felt today in kindergarten?” instead of „Did you have a good day?”
- Formulate questions that develop reflexivity and self-reliance: „What would you do in this situation?”, „Why do you think she acted this way?”, „How can we talk to this boy?” - instead of giving ready-made solutions and answers. Discuss, role-play, consider what who did, said and why! It's not gossip, it's life learning.In our kindergarten we base most of our psychological education precisely on acting out scenes, discussing specific situations, testing different solutions and strategies.
- Adjust the way you talk to the child's age - young children need simpler and shorter messages.
Avoiding blocking communication
Some ways of talking, while still popular, can stunt a child's development:
- Criticism and labeling - it's better to say, „I saw that you made an effort, everyone happens to spill water” than „But you're clumsy!”.
- The messages „no” and „you must” - Instead of „Don't shout,” you can say „I understand that you are upset. Let's try to talk calmly to hear each other better.”.
- Praise - Montessori encourages describing the child's actions, without evaluations and comparisons, it's unnecessary and depressing. And older children, raised in the 21st century, will even say it's cringe :).
- „I saw that you put a lot of work into it. Will you tell me about it?” Instead of „You're brilliant!”, „What a beautiful drawing!”
How to deal with difficult conversations?
- Keep calm - The child also learns to regulate emotions by observing adults (and simply needs time - his brain is developing).
- Give space for emotions - Don't downplay your child's sadness, anger or frustration. They are just as important as joy and euphoria.
- Offer solutions, not orders - Instead of „You need to apologize!” one can ask: „How can you fix it?”.
Examples of daily conversations in the Montessori spirit
- How to react when a child gets angry? Understand, give time and space for the emotion to erupt: „I can see that you are upset. Do you want to tell me what happened? Now or in a while?”
- How to support a child after a failure: „It was difficult, wasn't it? How do you feel now?”
- How to encourage cooperation without coercion: „I need your help with cleaning. What would you rather clean up: blocks or crayons?”
How to talk to your child - summary
Conversation in line with the Montessori spirit is based on respect, attentiveness and building trust. Empathic communication makes the child feel important, listened to and appreciated. Fostering his self-reliance and self-reflection through mindful communication within the family shapes in him a healthy self-esteem and social skills for life. If you want your child to learn nonviolent communication in practice, to establish valuable relationships with peers and adults, we invite you to contact us and join our community.
