How to deal with difficult behaviors of a child in the Montessori spirit?
Behaviors that adults see as difficult (impatiently demanding something already, expressing anger or frustration by hitting, biting, kicking, insisting on a particular course of action, etc., etc.) are a natural part of children's development. Every child goes through stages in which expressing emotions can be a challenge for both him and those around him. If one wanted to apply the Montessori philosophy to everyday parental challenges and try to develop survival strategies in line with the Montessori spirit, the watchwords would probably be: order, prepared environment, respect. In this article, you will find practical ideas that will help you better understand your child and deal more effectively with difficult moments, of which early parenthood is full. How to deal with difficult behaviors of a child in the spirit of Montessori?
How to deal with difficult behavior vs. understanding the cause of difficult behavior
Every child's behavior has a cause. Behaviors are those tips of the iceberg that stick out of the ocean. In turn, underneath there is much more hard, cold substance... Difficult moments in life with a child often arise from factors such as fatigue, hunger, frustration, anger, need for attention or a sense of misunderstanding. In addition, all this can affect not only the child, but also the adult. So the first recommendation of common sense is: take care of yourself. Remember the trite example of putting the oxygen mask on the airplane first for yourself, then for the child. Again, a cliché, but how important: you yourself also fuknction worse without a steady supply of valuable food, no rest, nice interactions with others. You won't help your child by riding on emotional reserve. And when you are in good shape, analyze! Analyze your child's behavior that you find difficult.
First, why are they difficult? Maybe some of them can be redefined. What does it do to me when a child yells and calls me stupid? Does it set off frustration and anger in me automatically? Or am I able to use my adult competence and see where it comes from. A key step in solving the problem is empathetic observation of the child, which allows parents to see and understand the child's needs and emotions.
The role of observation in the Montessori approach
Observation is a basic tool in the Montessori method, which helps not only to select the next presentation of language material, but also to identify the causes of difficult behavior. Look at what moments a child is most likely to experience frustration, such as after a difficult day or when he or she has gone too long without eating or sleeping, after meeting a particular person, after playing with a particular toy (such as a game) or watching something on TV. Such analysis allows you to anticipate and prevent difficult situations, as well as to better adapt the daily schedule to the child's needs.
How to deal with difficult behavior - order, stability, predictability
And this is where another Montessorian guideline comes in: order. Not rigid, not radical, but as stable and orderly a daily schedule as possible helps a lot. It reduces stress and tension, and is important especially for highly sensitive children. It is easier for a child to function when he knows that he eats a snack in the morning, goes to kindergarten, where he also has an orderly schedule and time to relax, then has a quarter of an hour on the playground, comes home and prepares dinner together. Regular meals, rest, home rituals - this has the power to chase away many children's demons.
Respect and patience as Montessori foundations
The Montessori method emphasizes the need to treat the child with respect, as an individual with his own emotions and needs. We do not use punishment or yelling, we rely on calm communication. And we understand that we are the adults in this relationship, we have a much higher level of competence and regulatory skills, and we do not demand the impossible from children. A child shouts in the street, and an elderly lady looks at you critically? Tough luck, it's about her, not you.
Take care of the child, maybe he can already give a hug, maybe in a while, but do not shush him by force, do not shout, do not add to his burden. You will endure the look, not the first and not the last, and to the child your calm, predictable reaction will help to return to a state of equilibrium. When the heated emotions have subsided, try asking: child what upset you so? I saw that you suddenly started screaming and kicking, you were angry, but I couldn't understand why? Can you help me understand? It may turn out that the child knows perfectly well what he meant and will let you know. Or it may be that he has no idea what the inflammatory factor was.
You can ask your child to try to tell you the next time he feels an impending rage and outburst, so that you can remedy the escalation. But remember that despite your efforts, he will still fail many, many times, because this is due to the developmental stage of the nervous system. However, equipping the child with the ability to recognize and name feelings, as well as calmly, patiently accompanying him through difficult moments, will eventually have the expected effect and the child will learn to better regulate emotions.
Help in recognizing emotions
As we have already mentioned, one important aspect of Montessori parenting is learning to recognize and name emotions. Parents can help their child through simple messages such as: „I can see that you are sad” or „I understand that you are angry because you can't get on the swing right now.” This approach allows the child to better deal with his emotions and gradually develop self-regulation skills. A good kindergarten will also support you in this task. At our kindergarten, we have a year-round, ongoing psychological education program for children. Our psychologist conducts regular classes where, with the help of various tools, including drama, children learn to recognize emotions in themselves and others. And we see really surprisingly good results from such education.
Providing the child with a sense of control
Children often display difficult behavior when they feel powerless or dominated. It is important to allow the child to make choices in everyday life. For example, you can ask: „Do you want ponidor soup with rice or noodles?”. Such practices not only reduce the number of conflicts, but also teach the child responsibility and give him a sense of agency.
How to deal with difficult behavior vs. setting clear boundaries
Montessori combines freedom of action with clearly defined rules that are jointly developed, have a rationale, serve the common good and are also followed by adults. Many children find it helpful when requests made to them are formulated positively. Instead of „Don't shout!”, try saying „At home we try to speak in a calm voice, because shouting makes us tired.”.
The importance of a prepared environment
The child's frustration often stems from an environment that is unsuited to his needs and abilities. A prepared environment, in the spirit of Montessori pedagogy, is orderly, safe and tailored to the child's needs, allowing the child to be more independent, capable and calm. Make sure your child has access to the right tools and spaces that allow him to act independently. Make it easy for him or her to clean up without too much effort, which, after all, you don't like to do yourself. Properly labeled bins at a height accessible to the child, segregating toys and clothes, limiting the number of items, forgoing excess decorations - all of these reduce the stress of the space you are in. Your own low-lying drawer in the kitchen with all your child's dishes can remedy many a brawl over a ‚favorite cup”!
Modeling desired behavior
Children learn by imitating adults, right? Children do what we do, not what we declare. Obvious, but we sometimes fail to remember this. Child psychologists are aware that working with a child is first and foremost about working with his or her parent, working on that parent's attitudes, beliefs, and finally behavior. Try to act in some sphere of life as you would like your child to act, and observe the results. For example, change the language of communication with your partner to be more personal, affectionate and empathetic. You won't wait long for the effects; they will appear in communication between siblings, for example. You may even hear verbatim quotes. When the child sees that the parent remains calm in difficult situations, looking for solutions instead of despairing, the child himself slowly learns how to deal with his own emotions.
When to seek the help of a specialist?
In some cases, a child's challenging behavior may require consultation with a child psychologist or psychiatrist. If you notice that the behaviors are particularly severe, persist over a long period of time or negatively affect the child's daily functioning, it is worthwhile to seek professional help and let yourself be helped.
In a good kindergarten you will get support in this regard. Openness to the suggestions of the teaching staff is an attitude that can support you greatly in parenting. We have worked with a very large number of children, we have both relevant education and experience. Our request that some aspect of the child's functioning be consulted with a specialist is always based on a desire to help the child and the whole family.
How to deal with a child's difficult behavior - summary
Dealing with a child's difficult behavior in the Montessori spirit requires empathy, respect and patience. Understanding the child's needs and emotions and adjusting your attitude to the child's individuality is key. Difficult moments can become valuable lessons - both for the child and the parent. Remember that every challenge is a step toward building a stronger bond and better understanding.
